A Soldier’s Rambling

The soldier quietly sits in his room, lamenting about what has transpired with his life. He ponders why he must sit alone and never feel like he has much to enjoy.

Daily struggles overwhelm him. He has survived battles from afar, but the one that surrounds him the hardest is daily lonely feelings. Feelings that he served and felt wanted but today he lives in seclusion, wondering when and where he will feel loved again.

Family seems to ignore him and those previous sworn to want his love have gone away. Well-meaning people come around, but when it comes to desire for love, he sits and wonders.

Women come onto him and say, oh how handsome you are. They talk and speak of love, but when reality sits in, it is about money or material things, such as phones. They sell themselves and say love unconditionally, but when the time comes to meet, suddenly they have vanished.

Scam artists using heart strings to gain from him. Discussions of wealth along with future talks of family and travel, but where are they when the time to meet comes around? Like a snake, they have slithered under a rock hiding because they received money and now, they don’t need you. Oops, they got caught and now running after another. So who will be their next victim before they are caught?

Frustration has taken its toll on the soldier. He served valiantly in times of battle. He willingly went to war to defend the freedoms of others. He put on a uniform and took up his battle gear heading to fight, leaving those behind he hoped to return to one day. He fervently headed to the frontlines.

Those days are gone and now he sits alone wondering why and what if. Had he made the right choice to fight and defend or would it be for naught? Would he find true love to share his heart with, once again?

Gone by the wayside are those memories of love’s past. Children and their mothers are no longer in his life. They have turned against him, saying their love for him is no longer valid.

But wait, his children need money. His X-Wife needs money, but what about love and what about his life? Should he be forced to live alone wondering or will love come desiring him once again?

As the soldier sits in his lonely place, he knows of the desires of the Lord’s love. He knows the Lord has kept him alive, but for what reason? Is he alive to love again or is he destined to watch as the walls surrounding him seem to cave in?

He is a soldier for Christ you say, which is true, but what does the Bible say about a man not being alone? Where does he (the soldier for Christ) find true love when it all seems a mystery? The soldier can quote scripture and can talk about unconditional love, but what about the other person? His question lingers inside. He questions himself, asking where is she, and why can’t the two of them meet? Why must both live alone unless the desire for true love is just a myth? Others are in throngs of love and happiness, so why can’t the soldier release the issues to love again?

The lonely soldier sits and ponders these things. Trying to make sense of it, but only rambling on. There are thoughts that should not be there, running amuck in his mind. Thoughts of better times and places, but he struggles to move for fear of being alone more.

Should he move and try again or stay where he is and try to gain an understanding of why? Why can’t he shake the loneliness and grasp the joys of love? Why can’t he find someone that truly wants to love him back? Others have found it, so why can’t he?

He sits in his chair wondering as the rain falls outside. Gloomy weather has encased the area, so he sits and tries to write something that has meaning yet seems to ramble.

Daily the thoughts run through his mind and heart. He ponders some days wondering why he even exists. The day seems to drift into another. Day turns to night and yet nothing seems to change. He drafts stories and plays games, continuing his search for answers yet coming up empty.

Wait there is a message that seems to have a desire for him, but alas it is a message desiring to know but from afar. Another dead-end wanting money. She talks of love but? She lives miles away with a story of no parents because they were killed in a car accident. She lives with her grandmother (who is my age) but has no siblings. She is in a foreign land wanting to be with someone, but at a price. A price of an airline ticket and I have to send the money to her. I can buy the ticket cheaper, but she has a way to get the ticket and my buying the ticket is not working. Do I bite or do I like a fish, spit out the hook? The bait is enticing, but the ticket cost is not worth the price. Give money and never see her or the money again.

Wait don’t you love me and want to be with me? Just wire me the money or buy a gift card and scratch the numbers off on the back. Has to be a certain card or else she can’t get the money. Amazon or Wal Mart cards, Google or whatever one she is playing. But it has to be bought immediately and then it becomes lost. Now I have to give her another card to replace the card that suddenly became lost. Hook line and well, I spit out the bait because it does not taste right.

So the soldier sits in loneliness still desiring to love, but it seems to be amiss. Damp weather and feelings of nothingness have a hold on him today. Why? Why does he have to live in solitude and never embrace the feelings of the desire of affections from another? What must he do to grasp that embracing arms of her? Where is she and why can’t he find her?

Many times he came close and even enjoyed it for long periods, but then issues entered, destroying what should have been years of love. Four times he failed at true love, the last costing him almost his life. Jealousy and adultery caused breakups. The desires for the one was sometimes not enough for both parties.

Harsh words were spoken, and false accusations entered the last marriage. Even when he spoke the truth, she felt betrayal when there were no grounds for the ending.

Today, the soldier sits in solitude and loneliness, pondering what should be and knowing what could be if only there had been efforts to correct the mistakes. But the soldier rambles on trying to understand only to come away empty-handed, wondering when and where will he find love again.

Tomorrow maybe he will find the joys to live again and soon he will learn to LIVE LAUGH AND LOVE once again.